You Might Be Drinking Too Much Coffee If…

• Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
• You ski uphill.
• You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
• You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
• You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
• You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
• You sleep with your eyes open.
• You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
• You lick your coffeepot clean.
• You're employee of the month at the coffee shop and you don't even work there.
• Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
• Your T-shirt says, "Decaf is the devil's blend."
• You can jump-start your car without cables.
• All your kids are named "Joe."
• You don't sweat, you percolate.
• You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
• You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
• Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
• Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
• You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.
• Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
• Instant coffee takes too long.
• You channel surf faster without a remote.
• Someone says, "How are you?" and you say, "Good to the last drop."
• Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
• You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
• You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
• You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
• Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
• You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
• You have a conniption over spilled milk.
• You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
• You don't tan, you roast.
• You don't get mad, you get steamed.
• You can't even remember your second cup.
• You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
• You introduce your spouse as your Coffeemate.
• You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
• You answer the door before people knock.
• You help your dog chase its tail.